TMHLBQ_ARCHIVE_INTERMISSION CHAPTER 18"And then, I returned to myself"

Intermission Chapter 18 "And Then, I Returned to Myself" (And then, I snapped back to reality)

 

-What have I done?

A chill ran through my entire body, and I trembled.

She—Pryde-sama—only sought me out to save Marianne. She led me to the healer with special powers, someone capable of healing her own illness. While searching for me, she discovered my betrayal, my sins. Yet, despite knowing all of this, she still brought me here and saved Marianne.

If it weren't for her help, her mercy, both Marianne and I would have...

What have I done to such a person?

For years, I spread slander, tarnished her name, all in the name of using her. I understood that as she grew, she was becoming fit to be a queen, yet I still spread false rumors, twisted the truth, and defiled her name. For five years, I did this to a young girl who was only eight years old. I even used disrespectful words in public many times.

And then, the moment she started to be acknowledged as a queen, I flipped my stance and tried to ingratiate myself with her using the very mouth that had sullied her name.

Just today, I had thought I wouldn't care if even a royal life... even Pryde’s life... was used as a price to gain a healer with special powers.

For seven years, all I thought about was using her.

What crimes have I committed against the one who saved me from this hell, and above all, saved Marianne?

I am filled with anger at myself for having clung to Pryde, begging for mercy when I already knew my sins. Regret and guilt overwhelm me to the point where I wish I could die.

All the words I said to Stayle at that time, I want to hurl them at my past self with my own mouth.

"How could I..."

Without meaning to, the words slipped out.

It is only now, trembling at the gravity of the terrible sins I’ve committed.

My sins cannot be forgiven.

How, after betraying, defiling, and casting down such a person, can I be here, happily with the one I love?

"Pryde-sama...!!"

I stand and prostrate myself in front of Pryde and Stayle.

My gratitude, my sins, and my regret overflow, and I don’t know what to do. I almost want to be executed right here.

I say, “If it weren’t for you, I and Marianne would...” and immediately, fear grips me again.

Yes, if it weren’t for her, Marianne would not have been saved. By now, she might have already been cold in my hands.

Even if I receive words of thanks from Pryde, what comes from my throat are words of gratitude, but also words of confession and penitence.

The fact that I have committed such grave offenses for five years—disrespecting her, betraying her—it is unbearable.

When her hand touches my shoulder and makes me kneel before her, I shudder. Even making her touch my knee is an overwhelming act.

I raise my voice to Pryde, who insists that she has done nothing wrong.

I am the one who has committed many unforgivable crimes.

Not just betraying and using this person, but also deceiving and betraying my friend, King Albert, the queen who showed us mercy, the royal family, and the people. I even thought I could sacrifice them if it benefited me. I despised those suffering from human trafficking and those who struggled with special abilities, all while twisting the law and the nation’s ideals for my own selfishness.

Then, after all this anger and regret, what surfaced next... was shame.

What had I been thinking?

I broke the law, used a young child who was also my friend’s beloved daughter, exploited and betrayed the people, and betrayed the friend who gave us special treatment... I had acted as though it was my right for five years.

How could Marianne ever be happy with this kind of rescue? Maybe she would be devastated by the fact that people had been sacrificed because of her. No, she definitely would be. She wouldn’t be saved if it wasn’t through the rightful way. In fact, it would only cause her more suffering.

As someone entrusted with the proud and responsible position of Chancellor, I have acted in this manner. I have been engulfed by selfishness and have completely lost my way.

Yet, still, I...

Even as I confessed everything about the rumors, the connections with the underworld, the tacit acceptance of human trafficking, and my betrayal to Marianne and the maids in front of her, the anger, regret, and shame in me didn’t stop.

And the biggest victim of it all... is the person right in front of me: Pryde.

I make it clear, I am prepared.

To her, my friend’s beloved daughter, my benefactor, and the victim of my reckless actions, I would gladly be judged.

I do not wish for forgiveness.

I want to be judged—by this foolish, inhumane self of mine.

If possible, with my filthy life.

"...Does that mean you are entrusting the judgment of your sins to me?"

I respond immediately to her words.

 

She continues to speak.

 

She says that she has no intention of reproaching us. At that, I am taken aback. Could she truly have intended to forgive me back then? But I steel myself and continue to wait for Lady pryde’s final words.

 

She continues. Given the knowledge of my wrongdoings, she cannot forgive me. I wholeheartedly agree with her. Even now, I believe that my being alive is a mercy from her.

 

“Gilbert Butler.”

 

Her hand touches my shoulder, lifting my face.

 

Simply seeing her again makes me feel overwhelmed by regret.

 

I have betrayed this person, this one, and tried to discard them.

 

Without reason, she offered me mercy and saved us, without any benefit to herself.

 

The urge to speak more words of repentance rises again, but I hold myself back.

 

“Do you have the resolve to… not reveal everything to your father and mother?”

 

I cannot believe my ears at her words.

 

Not reveal…? Could such a choice even exist?

 

On top of that, Lady pryde had even ordered Maria and the maids to keep it secret.

 

No, this kind of leniency cannot be allowed.

I am a great sinner. I deserve to be tortured, beheaded, exposed, and have stones thrown at me.

 

Yet this person has judged many, giving precise punishments and executions without mercy.

 

Why, then, would she do this?

 

I cannot understand why she would allow such secrecy.

 

Lady Pryde gazes directly into my eyes and speaks.

 

Then the command she gave me feels like a divine revelation.

 

For eternity, as long as the king desires, work for the people of this country and remain as the chancellor of my nation.

 

I am not even allowed to step down from my post.

 

I must atone with the life of the chancellor I loved, was proud of, and sullied. I must remain that way forever.

 

It feels as though a light has been shined upon me.

 

“As chancellor, withdraw from the illegal transactions, use the information you’ve gathered on human trafficking to capture those responsible, bring them to justice, and continue to serve this country you’ve tried to betray. You should be able to do that now.”

 

Atone as chancellor.

 

How heavy and yet how redemptive it is to be granted the opportunity to do so.

 

But if I can live, even slightly, by atoning for the sins I’ve committed as chancellor…

 

If this person, none other than Lady pryde, wishes for this…

 

If she believes that I can do this, then I have no choice but to accept.

 

“...Understood...!!”

 

There is only one answer.

 

To repay this person’s great grace and atone for all my wrongs, I will now devote myself to this country, to the people.

 

“I swear here, until the moment my heart stops, I will continue to protect the people of this country, whom you love...!!”

 

And for that, I will devote even my life, without hesitation.

 

For this vow with this person.

 

With that, I took her hand, the hand of the future queen, and swore.

 

Lady Pryde smiled at my words and slowly rose. She then placed her hand gently on my face, as if to confirm something.

 

She studied my face, her expression subtly shifting. As she placed her hand on my neck, I wondered what had happened.

 

“I’m sorry… I didn’t realize until it got to this point.”

 

How pure is this person?

 

I gasped.

 

I realized how foolish I was to have betrayed someone with such a vast heart. I want to repent to her over and over again.

 

At her apology, my throat trembled, trying to deny her words.

 

She has no idea how much she has saved me today, how much mercy she has shown.

 

She continues to save people as if it’s the most natural thing. It’s as if she is a goddess.

 

She gave even a great sinner like me the chance to atone.

 

“I’m sorry for binding you to the chancellor in this way, as the only way to judge you.”

 

Seeing her apologize with such difficulty, I stared wide-eyed, and then… a smile escaped.

 

She doesn’t understand, does she?

 

She says she is binding me as chancellor?

 

This isn’t binding.

 

It’s called preserving.

 

I take her hand from my neck, slowly kissing her palm, making sure not to be disrespectful.

 

First, with genuine reverence.

 

For her vast heart and deep mercy.

 

Then, I kneel and take her foot.

 

I’m allowed to remove her shoe and kiss her toes.

 

To worship this god-like being.

 

For she, who saved me and Maria and granted us a savior.

 

Then, flowing smoothly, I move to her foot’s arch.

 

Her small, delicate foot fits into my palm.

 

To my benefactor, my friend, my lord, and… the people.

 

As a great sinner who betrayed and trampled on them, I offer my subjugation.

 

Not in a cage, nor through death.

 

But through a vow, to atone and repay the people and the royal family for the rest of my life.

 

Finally, I press my lips to her shin.

 

As I look up at Lady Pryde, I notice Stayle, equally blushing, in the corner of my eye.

Ah… youth.

 

Indeed, they are both still children.

 

And thinking this, I can’t help but smile again.

 

Lastly, in exchange for loyalty, I offer submission.

 

I will never betray again. I will serve my eternal lord for life.

 

Having sworn to myself, my lord, and the woman I love, I gently place Lady pryde’s foot back as it was.

 

“I am neither a knight… nor can I make a contract of subjugation with you. That is why I must swear with my very being here.”

A kiss is not enough.

I must offer even more and more certain vows.

With hands clasped in prayer, I look up at Lady Pryde and speak my vows to my lord.

 

I bow my head and pledge.

“Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for giving me the chance to devote myself to the country once again, as a sinner. I will never forget this favor, including the saving of Marianne.”

 

After finishing that last word, I was finally able to return a smile to her face, filled with confidence.

“It's a promise.”

 

That smile makes my heart swell with affection. What were all those years of hatred and jealousy…? What was it?

 

When I return a smile from the heart, she gives me another gentle smile in return.

I vow forever to you.

 

To the one who returned everything to me, and gave me all.

 

This life, which I cannot even offer to the most beloved person in this world.

 

For the sake of your words today, until the last drop.

 

For the people.

 

I vow my eternal life

 

Eunie: If you think about it...its like Gilbert's "oath" is worse than the subordination contract. Imagine, wanting to retire from a stressful job and wanting to enjoy a few years of just being laid back and spending time with your family only to have to work for all eternity. ugh....no summer break or winter break. He has to be in the palace every single day managing the country. I'll get more than just a heartburn. 

Anyway this is chapter  86 from the wn. next chapter is a numbered chapter, c.69

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